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FBU 4EVER
01-03-2005, 13:22
Kan bare ikke dy meg!

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories.Except Utah,which she does not fancy..Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair,MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.~~~~You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium.Check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour",skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part.Likewise,you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.Generally,you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.Look up vocabulary.Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like','uhhhh' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.Look up interspersed and communication.There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2.~~~~There is no such thing as US English.We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter"U" and the elimination of -ize.

3.~~~~You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.It really isn't that hard.english accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents-Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.While we're talking about regions,you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England.The name of the county is Devon.If you persist in calling it Devonshire,all American states will become shires e.g. Texasshire,Floridashire,Louisianashire.

4.~~~Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5.~~~You should relearn your original national anthem,God Save the Queen,but only after fully carrying out task 1.We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6.~~~You should stop playing American Football.There is only one kind of football.What you refer to as American Football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American Football.You will no longer be allowed to play it,and should instead play proper football.Initially,it would be best if you played with the girls.It is a difficult game.Those of you brave enough will,in time,be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football,but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2006.You should stop playing baseball.It is not reasonable to hoist an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable.Instead of baseball,you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip,oversized gloves,collector cards or hotdogs.

7.~~~You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a potato peeler.Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items,you will require a permit if you wish to carry a potato peeler in public.

8.~~~July 4th is no longer a public holiday.November 2nd will be a new national holiday,but only in England.It will be called Indecisive Day.

9.~~~All American cars are hereby banned.They are crap and it is for your own good.When we show you German cars,you will understand what we mean.All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.Roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10.~~~You will learn to make real chips.Those things you call French Fries are not real chips.Fries aren't even French,they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11.~~~As a sign of penance 5 grammes of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,this quantity to be doubled for tea made in the city of Boston itself.

12.~~~The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is not actually beer at all,it is lager.From November 1st only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.The substances formerly known as America beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine.This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13.~~~From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or gasoline as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2006) prices with the former USA.The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will,in return,adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6.00/US gallon-get used to it):

14.~~~You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists.The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.Guns should only be handled by adults.If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15.~~~Please tell us who killed J.F.K. It's been driving us crazy.

16.~~~Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

17.~~~Last but not least,it's nuclear as in 'clear',NOT nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese.:devot:

Pooh
01-03-2005, 13:55
Her er nok en "politisk kommentar" fra John Cleese:

Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be "more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis" President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, "for starters, a really dumb name". "Right. As if they are just as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils? eh evilest? that we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, Although they conceded they had asked if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs.

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia And Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just Something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Norguay denied the charges. Norguays king Harald can't understand the rejection "I filled out the application myself."

LN-SEK
01-03-2005, 14:02
Her er en annen morsomhet:

Eurospeak!! Vot a Nitemar!

With apologies to our European friends, this news flash has just reached the Editor's desk ....

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender.Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k" which should kleer up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After siz fifz yer, ve vil have a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivunvil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI CUM TRU!


:cheers:

Isbamse
01-03-2005, 14:34
Den siste forklarer vel hvordan nederlandsk ble oppfunnet...:p